2007-08-15

A sign from above

I shouldn't be a vet.

Today I found out that a mistake I made lead to one of my patients possibly suffering from a life long illness. And it was all just an honest mistake. A moment of not-thinking. A moment of doing-what-I'm-used-to-doing. And now I carry the guilt of knowing that a moment of mistake on my part lead to a monumental change for another life.

A person who's thoughtless as I should not be a vet.

For some weeks now I've actually been feeling quite down when it comes to work. It's no longer dread. It's dread mixed with something more, with resentment, with despair. Everyday I turn up to work feeling like I don't want to be there, yet I still plaster a smile on my face and pretend things are going okay. But they're not and this is a sign from above telling me that things are not okay. It's a sign telling me the same thing that's been hanging at the back of my mind - that I shouldn't be a vet. A person like me, who's prone to thoughtless actions, should not hold the responsibility of another life in my hands. No. I should just stick to brainless jobs like working at the cash register as a check-out chick. At least if I made a mistake, the most it's going to cost anyone is money. Money which probably won't be missed by anyone. Money that's not going to change the course of anyone's life. Money that's only an object, a thing, passive.

I kept asking myself why did I not just take a moment to think about what I was doing? Why did it not strike me to double check? Why? But in the end no amount of "why"s is going to change anything. I'll learn the lesson, but it's a costly lesson. It's a lesson that I would've rather learnt another way, with less dire consequences. But I suppose such is life. *sigh*

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